It was my mother’s birthday last week. It has been 3 years since she passed, and she would have been 82 this year. Many of those who were dear to her connected with me to send their love and support. I felt quite numb throughout the day, I thought I would cry but I shed very few tears and only when my niece spoke of us all drinking rose together on the veranda that I felt the lump in my throat.. how lovely it would have been to be together again chatting and laughing.

 The struggle of saying goodbye

I really love my mom; she was a big part of my life; I really miss my mom. I feel the loss and sadness every day, but I have stopped feeling as much. I think I am tired of all the feeling…I have cried far too many tears and I have walked the journey of watching her fade from a vibrant, dynamic, beautiful woman to someone’s whose body had given up on her and the frustrations of slowly withering away while losing all sense of dignity in the process. It was hard, especially for her, but for me just as much. I had to be the strong one, I was not allowed to show her my fear, my worry, my strain…it would have been too much for her to have to worry about me. So when she finally took her last breath, it was like I had not had time to say goodbye, to mourn and then the floodgates opened full and I wept; I wept about everything and I wept for a very long time. I felt like a big part of my heart went when she left. 

 The tears have dried up

So why now do I find it hard to cry. Why? It was like I closed off my heart so I would no longer feel the immense loss. The problem is that this is not healthy. I need to work on reopening my heart because life without feeling is no life.

 Learning to open your heart and feel again

 It is going to be a daily process and I hope for those who have also lost someone dear to them will work with me. All we need to do is fill our hearts with beautiful healing pink and green light mixed with flecks of glittering gold and watch it swirl around within our heart, and expand and vibrate outwards to start slowly breaking away the barrier we have created in front of our heart centre. Soon the light will shine through the cracks and holes in the barrier until one day it explodes. Now we are open again and ready to love completely without fear.